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thoughts & musings :: CCC

Wednesday, 16 August 2006

Leaked CIA Lebanon Report

On the 13th of July 2006, the day after hostilities had broken out in Southern lebanon, a routine daily report from a Red Cross Team attached to a UN fact-finding group operating from the city of Tyre stated that two of the company were missing. No details were filed as to the nature of the incident that led to their disappearance and when comparing this incident with other similar events where individuals had either been fatally wounded, abducted or vanished, it appeared as if strict procedures had either not been followed or had not been reported as required.

Though these anomalies were initially attributed to the hasty withdrawal by the UN to vacate the city of Tyre, several journalists were suspicious of the lack of any press releases or discussion over the two missing aid workers. Most speculation over the affair in the US and UK media was blocked by heavy gagging orders. However, in the European and International press, and particularly upon the Internet, theories began to emerge that the two 'missing' aid workers were in fact agents working for the CIA or MI6.

Facing a barrage of Freedom of Information requests, The US government eventually released a lengthy document of 'collaborated testimony' that it had gathered from the conflict. A heavily edited report in the appendix from two 'Friendly Operatives,' referenced only as Sea-Monkey Charlie and Sea-Monkey Foxtrot, does seem to tally with the 'disappearance of the two aid workers on the 13th July.

A few extracts of the more interesting information appear below. Some readers may find the details of these reports deeply disturbing and shocking.

15.07.06 - Just south of Marwaheen, close to the border.
Reports of gunfire sound throughout the night, many Israeli forces were heard shouting uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh and the Hizbullah guerilla responded with yells of peown-peown peown-peown.

There have been multiple casualties. Despite seeing many shot in the arms, head and abdominal region, all fatal wounds seem to be affect the stomach area. We saw several casualties staggering around for up to five minutes gripping their stomachs and muttering 'eurgh uuurgh uuuuurgh' before slowly collapsing to the ground.

The only wounds not inflicted upon the stomach occurred when we saw a small exchange of fire between factions on the outskirts of the city of Tyre. Hizbullah fighters accused some retreating Israeli soldiers of not taking their shots. The Israelis, quoting the Geneva convention upon this very issue, responded that they had only been hit in the legs, at which point they all adopted a mild limp and continued to run away.

16.07.06 - On the border near Aitaroun.
A similar incident also occurred to the west of Aitaroun in a small farming village near a strategic bridge that has seen some heavy fighting over 2 consecutive nights. A group of Hizbullah patrolling the bridge at night, when caught in a crossfire, refused to accept having been shot claiming that the Israelis must have run out of bullets by now.

This led to rapid shouts of 'reload' from the Israeli side and the firing continued, however the Hizbullah stated that they had shot all the Israelis long before they had shouted reload. In response to this the Israeli commander dutifully informed the Hizbullah leader that they all had bullet proof vests on anyway.

17.07.06 - East of Sidon.
An Israeli platoon, pursuing two groups of Hizbullah rocket units deep within Lebanon, was taken by surrpise by a sudden counter-attack.

A Hizbullah leader yelled "Ha! We put mines there so you're all dead."

Holding their ground, the Israeli commander responded, "But you ran across there first before we did."

The Hizbullah responded with "Ahh, no, because we had special shoes on."

19.07.06 - North of Tiberias.
Today we witnessed a rocket attack on an Israeli command post.

A Hizbullah soldier ran in with one hand in the air screaming eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooouw and then he proceeded to walk from one end of the installation to a point three quarters of the way along its perimeter declaring "Right, everything from there to there has just been blown up."

At this point an Israeli on the edge of the compound said "Well I was outside here so I've just shot you."

The Hizbullah man calmly replied that he wasn't really here, it was just a rocket they had fired and so therefore the Israeli soldier was stupid and that his father cleaned toilets in Ethiopia.

20.07.06 - On the border near Avivm.
On Thursday night it had looked as if there might be a resolve to the conflict as an exchange of prisoners was agreed to take place the following morning.

However, Hizbullah discovered three Israeli spies deep within their territory just hours later and accused them of attempting to sneak up to the hostages and touch their hands and shout 'release' in order to free these prisoners outside of the agreed exchange.

Neither side would back down. In response to accusations that none of their troops knew what a girls bits looked like, Hizbullah issued a statement that the Israeli troops were all gay anyway. No talks to resolve this latest dispute were possible, as the Israelis were called home for their tea and Hizbullah went off on their bikes to spy on the girl's netball practice.