Dear YODEL (previsouly the Home Delivery Network)...

Your complaints form only allows for 1500 characters so my complaint was not sent.

1500 characters is nowhere near enough space to fully document the catalogue of incompetence I would like to discuss with you, so I will have to post it all here on the web and send you the link.

We ordered an item from the Early learning Centre. We were out when it was delivered so a YODEL delivery card was left.

PARCEL NUMBER: 2899494451047350
TOUR NUMBER: YV13

We called YODEL and re-arranged a delivery for Friday the 2nd December. I was going to stay in all day, so wanted to check it would definitely be delivered. I was assured it would be delivered Friday.

I stayed in all day Friday and nothing was delivered.

So I called up YODEL again on Friday afternoon and the person on the phone said they would re-arrange the delivery for Monday.

Will it definitely be delivered Monday? I asked.
I was told yes.

So I stayed in all Monday.

Nothing arrived.

So I called up on Tuesday morning and kept getting the automated service so I looked on the website for who to call.

The website says "If your tracking number has 8, 13 or 16 digits, please give us a call on 0871 244 0525"

So I called that number and it asked me to put in an 8 digit number and it would not accept the beginning or the end of my 16 digit number.

So I got through to an adviser and they said I had called the wrong number, despite what the website said.

They could not find me on their YODEL system and said there are two different parts of the company and they have no way of checking the other system.

So they gave me another number to ring. I finally got through to someone on that line and was immediately told that this was the wrong number and was sent back to the other number.

When I got back through to someone on there I was given a new completely different number to ring and that person eventually found my parcel and said it would definitely be delivered on the Wednesday (which is tomorrow).

They explained the Monday delivery slot was missed because the request was made after 4pm.

Well:

1) We obviously phoned after 4pm because we were under the delusion that the parcel would be delivered before then, on that Friday, having been told it would be by YODEL.

2) We should not have been assured by the YODEL adviser that the parcel would definitely be delivered Monday if that was not possible

3) As the slot obviously was missed, why were we not contacted on Monday and a new delivery arranged for Tuesday rather than us having to phone up and chase the delivery and have it pushed back to Wednesday?

I will send a copy of this letter to the Early Learning Centre and I hope they will consider changing delivery couriers, as we order a lot from them and I don't want to go through this stupid farce again.

I have had other problems with past deliveries by the Home Delivery Network. You have spent a shed load of money re-branding yourself as YODEL, but you're service still seems to be as crap as it ever was. Would it not have been better to spend the money on becoming not crap? Just a thought.

Brit Writers' Awards Profile Promo

Brit Writers' Awards 2011 Profile movie for Christian Cook. Filmed on Long Drove (2-mile stretch of road) just outside Glastonbury, Somerset.

Wikileaks reveals the true US military plans for Libya

NCC cadets being airlifted by ALH a photo by Wg Cdr R S Chauhan (Retd) on Flickr.

According to the latest release from whistle-blowing website Wikileaks, the US military is going to suspend entire battalions of troops on acrobat wires under helicopters, enabling a large invasion to go into Libya without putting any boots on the ground, as the choppers will keep them at a minimum height of about 2 feet above the soil.

If this proves impractical then Plan B is for the promise of 'no boots on the ground' to be adhered to by all invading soldiers wearing flip flops. We now know that the reason for the delay in America committing to military action is that their special forces requested additional time so they could master the art of sneaking around in flip flops without making the give-away 'fwip-fwip-fwip' noise.

Owl you doing?

Owls
Originally uploaded by cavorite

Everyone should add a new option of 'Owl' in the gender section of the census and then tick it. If a 1,000,000 people declare they are an owl then the government will be forced to accept 'Owl' as a gender.

(Please tweet this or copy and paste it to your Facebook status to help spread the word.)

Yay big society

Should've gone to PecShavers.

London Underground terminology explained

Someone asked today what the difference was between 'minor delays' and 'severe delays' when riding on the tube. They were also intrigued by the phrase "Do not change here due to escalator work."

Here is the official explanation for these terms as listed on the London Underground website:

Minor delay - Children are playing on the escalators and trying to run up/down in the wrong direction thus hampering all the people trying to use the clear left hand side.

Severe delay - Staff in the station foyer have got seriously unfriendly expressions on and so everyone who is lost is too afraid to ask for their help. A large crowd of bewildered passengers is in the middle of the floor area, turning around slowly as they attempt to work out which of the 37 exits (which are all just 5 metres apart anyway) would be best to use.

Do not change here due to escalator work - The escalators at this station currently work and we would like to keep it that way, so the more people we can discourage from using them then the longer they will keep all new and shiny.